If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You are the jesus of drinking
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize