My liver just broke up with me...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
