Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
