Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
