Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
