So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
