sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
