someone get that fucking seahorse.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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