I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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