So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
