my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
