This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
