My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
