I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
