i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
