I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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