a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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