remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
