I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
