ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
