i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
