she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
