"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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