So drunk, too bad you don't want this
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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