i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
A bitchslap is in order.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
