In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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