Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
