Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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