You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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