I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
