i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
