I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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