yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
