Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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