One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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