i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
