My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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