Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I wish I could punch you in the face.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
