I could have mohawked her pubes.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
false alarm, still single
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize