If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Everclear isn't food dammit
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
