I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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