My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's shark week go big or go home
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
