Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
