I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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