Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
