i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize