I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
