I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
