Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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