I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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