Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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