Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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