I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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