Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
