Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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