I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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