i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
