In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
