ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
